I “Obey”?

So there has been a lot to write home about the Royal Wedding, complete with the Disney fantasy like feel to the whole event. “Dreams do come true”. Oh well!

Of all the trillion articles and news items on the affair of the decade – ranging from the royal kiss to the ring that wouldn’t slide smooth, from the lovely bridal attire to the over-the-top head gears of the guests, and what not, I thought I should talk about this one: Kate 'will not obey'.

Following Diana’s royal ditch to the royal protocol, Kate decides to steer clear of vowing to “obey” Prince William (I hear he is a Duke now). Instead she pledges to “love, comfort, honor and keep” her husband. A very honest lady! Why promise what you are sure you will not do, even if it is only ceremonial!

While the old school of thought continues to defend the use of the word, “obey”, emphasizing that it is not meant as “subservient” or an excuse for domestic abuse, I’d say one should rather be safe than sorry!

This news piece reminded me of my wedding. Married following the hindu vedic rituals, during the many “mantras and slokas” (vedic chants in Sanskrit) the pandits (priests) were reciting and translating for the benefit of all, one distinct vow or rather instruction to me was that I should never do what my husband prohibits. To do anything I should seek my husband’s permission, even if I want to visit my parents etc.

While the close knit family and friends laughed through it, I looked up to Vish to assure both of us understood that this was only “ceremonial”, and well, not to be taken as the word of law. The indulgent smile from him saved the priests from an argument session, which I am sure nobody had the patience to deal with at 2 in the morning!

Though I absolutely believe in the institution of marriage, I often wonder what an MCP the person who wrote some of these rituals/vows must have been. The inherent assumption that men know better and will do better - And hence, the lesser mortals (read women) should bow their heads in subservience so that these demi-gods can lead us and make sense of our lives.

In this day and age, there continue to be women who live as puppets with their strings firmly held by the husbands. Inequality, domestic violence, verbal abuse – all continue to plague many marriages in many households in India.

We need people to come out in the open and acknowledge the wrong/injustice when they see it. So what if it is dictated by religion or religious texts. Religion is a path to God created by humans themselves – If we can’t change it for the better, who else can?

Behave like a woman – will ya!

A recent comment of one of the umpteen reality shows on MTV India - Teen Diva, left me flabbergasted. One of the judges told a girl, and I quote here, “You did not dance like a woman. Your dance moves could give a complex to a man.”

Now, will a man tell me how it is to behave like a woman? What the judge really meant was conform to what the society and culture, put in place for years by men for their own advantage, define and dictate how a woman should behave like. You know the kind of declarations your great grandma’s generation made – “Girls should only be seen and not heard”. Well dear, if you wish to see the pretty sight I make, you jolly well learn to hear me!

So what is really expected out of you when you are asked to be feminine?

Using a small flowery handkerchief in the worst of your colds instead of the more practical and convenient “gent’s” white one; Delicately eating small quantities at a candlelight dinner even if you are famished while your date takes the bigger morsels; Smiling ever so softly, barely hinting at your dimple at the funniest of jokes when you would rather laugh out loud showing all your teeth; Screaming at the slightest of cuts in public, forgetting the fact that the waxing last night was more painful than the worst of hurts you have ever had; And of course, feigning ignorance on subjects of science and economics and business and sports if the group of male species that you are in has only superficial knowledge ... aah I could go on...

Fortunately (:)) or unfortunately, men also have “Be a man” statements hurled at them, which I am sure must be suffocating for them as well. They need to foot the bill at a date, they cannot be scared of lizards and cockroaches, and they must know not only how to drive but also how to get around every city they take their girl to.

Many women, and men, are proactively trying to break this kind of gender stereotyping because it limits both sexes. If the minute a baby is born, he or she is compartmentalized into pink and blue, how is the baby supposed to develop its own unique identity? If the society has already cast the mould the personality of the new born must assume, we run the risk of endangering new thought and creative innovation. We have to empower our kids early on to make their own choices – real choices, because we lose the power of distinguishing our own choice and our conditioned choice as we grow up.

My mom always tells me how some relatives used to raise their eyebrows when as a kid I preferred playing with building blocks and cars rather than dolls – she had to shield me from being called a tomboy. I wasn’t. I loved frilly frocks and all colors pastel, but I did not love dolls. That’s my next point, just for the sake of going against what the society pronounces as normal, we need not consciously change ourselves to define an identity unique to the social construct. I need to choose and select what I genuinely like, and I should be allowed to do so.

Many people mistake this kind of an attempt to break free as gender war. The latter is completely different. Even though certain female stereotypes originate from a male-centric psychology, at this point, I only wish to focus on the confining aspect of the typecasting of genders for both males and females.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here’s my take on the age-old rhyme:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,

That's not really what all little girls are made of.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails,

That's hardly what all little boys are made of.

There’s more to your little boy and little girl,

If only you could let their true selves unfurl.